Jokes

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Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. How can you tell the porno star at the gas station?
A. Just as the gas starts up the hose, he pulls out the nozzle and sprays the gas all
over the car.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

A. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well-hung.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q: Why don't men fake orgasm?
A: Cos no man would pull those faces on purpose.

Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds ?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.

Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Any more goodies then e-mail: hakon@darkhorse1.fsnet.co.uk

Rude and sexist:

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to
stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive
and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said,
"God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow

How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? Phone her.

Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care.

What is the definition of "making love"? Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.

How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb? None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

Why does the bride always wear white? Because it is good for the dishwasher to
match the stove and refrigerator..

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's been told twice already.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it

How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication? 1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Telawoman

Why do hunters make the best lovers? Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once
and they eat what they shoot.

How are fat girls and mopeds alike? They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it.

How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike? They both begin with a lot of blowing and
sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? She knows she's given her last blow job.

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everyone at the party
and A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could
easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.

The new Kama Sutra

THE TEABAGGING The all time classic manoeuvre of tapping your cock on
a chick's forehead whilst she is sucking on your balls, and uttering the
timeless phrase Who's Your daddy?"

THE HOUDINI Going at it doggy-style until you are just about to come,
then pull out and spit on her back so she thinks that you have. When she
turns around a blast is unleashed into her face and she is left shocked and
amazed, wondering how you managed it.

THE ANGRY DRAGON Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth,
smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets
up she'll look like an angry dragon.

CUM GUZZLING SPERM BURPING BITCH The once in a lifetime act of blowing a hot
steamy load down the back of a girl's throat and then proceeding to
give her a large cold bottle of your favourite carbonated drink, making
her guzzle it down. Then, shake her head vigorously back and forth to
create the Cum Guzzling, Sperm Burping effect. A great way to impress
your friends.

DIRTY SANCHEZ A time honoured event in which while laying the bone
doggy-style, you insert your finger into her @sshole. You then pull it
out and wipe it across her upper lip, leaving a thin sh1t moustache. This
makes her look like someone whose name is Dirty Sanchez.

THE DONKEY PUNCH Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you
cum, you stick your dick in her ass and then punch her in the back of
the neck. The blow to the neck will stun the muscles in the female's ass,
which will constrict the penis and give you a tremendous orgasmic
experience when you ejaculate.

THE FLAMING AMAZON This one's for all you pyromaniacs out there. When
you're screwing some chick, right when your about to cum, pull out and
quickly grab the nearest lighter and set her pubes on fire, then...
extinguish the flames with your jizz!

THE FLYING CAMEL A personal favourite. As she is lying on her back and
you are hammering her on your knees, you very carefully move forward and
prop yourself (without using your arms) on your dick while it is still
inserted in her vertical seafood taco. You then proceed to flap your arms
and let
out a long shrieking howl, much like a flying camel. Strictly a classy
move.

THE SCREWNICORN When a dyke puts her strap-on dildo on her forehead and
proceeds to go at her partner like a crazed unicorn.

THE ZOMBIE MASK While getting head from your favourite, unsuspecting,
trash-barrel whore, tell her you want her to look right up at you with
those "pretty little eyes" when you blow your load. Then, just when
you're ready to spew a good weeks worth of goo, blast that hefty load in
both eyes. This temporary state of blindness will produce the zombie
effect as she stumbles around the room with arms outstretched, and
moaning like the walking dead.

THE TROMBONE This is when the female lies on the deck, face up. You then
squat over her face facing her feet. You lower your arse down so that
you hoop rests on her lips. She then blows up your hoop, feeds her hand
between your legs and wanks you off at the same time. The TROMBONE!

WOLF BAGGING The beginners manoeuvre of waiting until your lover (or
wife I suppose)is beginning to orgasm, punch her repeatedly in the stomach.
This will induce vomit and screaming. The vomiting will create
convulsing, which intensifies her orgasm. The punching and screaming will
satisfy
your violent rape fantasies. and reinforce your feelings of superiority.
Chanting 'I'm the Master, I'm the Master' will add to this feeling.
The important thing is your doing it for HER pleasure, which will strengthen
her respect for you, and, if she's gobby, will increase your chances of
getting a ride from one of her mates.

Do you recognise anything here???

Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

You might be an engineer if ...
... choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
... you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
... in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
... the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions
... at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
... you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.
... you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
... you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
... you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
... you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.
... you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
... you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
... you know what http:// stands for.
... you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.
... you see a good design and still have to change it.
... you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
... you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
... you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.
... you window shop at Radio Shack ....your laptop computer costs more than your car.
... your spouse hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
... you've already calculated how much you make per second.
... you've tried to repair a $5 radio.
Well? Your fired!

1) "Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships." (Sharon Stone)

2) Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." (Courtney Cox as "Monica" on "Friends")

3) "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." (Jerry Garcia, Grateful Dead)

4) "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral s3x, no matter how bad it is." (Barbara Bush, former US First Lady)

5) "Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." (Robin Williams)

6) Women need a reason to have s3x. Men just need a place. (Billy Crystal)

7) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." (Rod Stewart)

8) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." (Bruce Willis - on the difference between men and women)

9) "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan." (George Burns)

10) "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." (Carmen Boyle, Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996)

11) "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." (Henry Kissenger, former US Secretary of State)

12) "My girlfriend always laughs during s3x - no matter what she's reading." (Steve Jobs, Founder: Apple Computers)

13) "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
(Dan Rather)

14) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?" (Arnold Schwarzenegger)

15) "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." (Tiger Woods)

16) "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." (Axel Rose, Guns'n'Roses)

17) "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." (Rev. Jesse Jackson)

18) "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b!tch." (Jack Nicholson)

19) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." (Roseanne)

20) "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental,
whereas, of course, men are just grateful." (Robert De Niro)

21) "In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?" (Hugh Grant)

22) "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" (Dustin Hoffman)

23) "When the sun comes up, I have morals again." (Elizabeth Taylor)

24) "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, "I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." (Jerry Seinfield)

25) AND THE NUMBER ONE QUOTE IS

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a pen!s, and only enough blood to run one at a time." (Robin Williams)

You take your dog for a walk, and you both use the same tree.
You use your ironing board as a buffet table (George).
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
Your working TV sits on top of your non working TV.
You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.
You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of Wal-Mart.
Your neighbours think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
A tornado hits your neighbourhood and does $100,000 worth of improvement.
You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it

You_Only_Live_Twice.mid by 007